TOPIC
attunement
How do you tune into the other?
Is it an automatic response to their presence or do you have to actively listen in a qualitative fashion?
And how do you tune out of the other and tune into yourself?
Attunement can go unacknowledged and even unrecognised, some within the relationship maybe doing it more than the other or in different unrecognisable ways.
Let's draw forth this qualitative aspect of relationship to learn from the different ways we each attune and regulate our attunement.
REFLECTION
How do you tune into the other and how do you tune out of the other and into yourself?
There were a range of responses to this question. Everyone seemed to have an automatic tuning into the other, some lose themselves to the chameleonic transformations that proceed, others spoke in ways that shone light upon the other tuning into them. So this was a bit of a trick question in that everyone believed that they were tuning into the other. But what if those charmed feelings you had felt from an encounter were due to the other tuning in and fitting in with you?
More often than not I find that I will tune into the other and find a position of harmonising charm to suit their assumed needs. This is of course many things at once, projection, attunement, protection, mask, manners, etc. A winning formula from old patterns in which it was a habit to receiving love, protection and safety. As the two conversations unfolded I couldn’t help but start to think that men and women have different ways of tuning in.
The men of the two groups all spoke of losing themselves through attunement. The women of the group spoke of losing themselves as well, but in a way in which they were still in touch with what they needed and wanted. A surrendering to their inner desires, a letting go into the embrace of an attuned and committed partner.
The men spoke more of the effort of tuning in, charming, seducing, even making the other feel comfortable and secure. But this requiring an output of energy that needs regulation which would most often then not come in the form of separation and time with themselves.
When I lose my self to attunement in relationship I lose touch with what I want and need. This was echoed by several men within the conversations. There seems to be a gravity to attuning, but over time when our needs are neglected, resentment can bubble to the surface and abrupt disagreement can ruffle the otherwise harmonious dynamic. This seems to be a subconscious revolt by the individual to create space and separation in order to reconnect with self. This is not exclusive to men however it does seem to be a general pattern.
One way in which I found effective in illustrating the paradoxical relationship of the two different forms of attunement is Carl Jung’s Animus and Anima. The internal masculine soul within the woman, Animus and the internal feminine soul within the man, Anima.
Women have an external feminine and men have an external masculine. The masculine external is generally physically stronger and has to be gentle, receptive and respectful in its engagement with the feminine external when approaching therefore developing a particular skill of attunement. A space is created by the masculine for the feminine to surrender in order for nature to flow forth. In the discussion a few women spoke of protection mechanisms arising when the opportunity to surrender into the relationship arose in fear of being tricked into opening the abundant flow of love and connection streaming forth from the feminine. Because once the feminine connection is made, it is magnetic in its potent feelings. Therefore breaking this connection afterwards can be an immense grief. The man can more often than not leave at this point, as his internal feminine, Anima, may not have made the connection.
The external dynamic is then followed closely by the internal, in which the roles are flipped. The Animus, the woman’s internal masculine soul, must approach the Anima, the man’s internal feminine soul, with gentleness, respect and listening. Providing a safe space for the Anima to surrender to its nature and bloom into a garden of previously shut off emotions, and feelings that provide the qualitative gravity to fall in love.
When the Animus is too assertive it can shut down the Anima, sending it into a parasympathetic response; freeze, faun, fight or flight. This is a protective mechanism from the assertiveness of another’s feelings, love and needs.
For me personally I feel the weight of their ready connection and love, do not have time to feel into my own feelings and fall into a pattern of fanning and pleasing the other in fear of disappointing their feelings.
There is sameness delusion here that I have just become of aware. The Animus is capable of directness, just as the external masculine can be direct and prefers direct communication. The Animus prefers direct communication in the language of the heart. The Anima needs indirect communication as it carries the vulnerability internally.
There are many ways in which we attune to each other and I did not expect this topic to highlight some clear differences in how males and females, as a generalisation, receive and engage with the world and others.
The attunement discussions carried a gentle and receptive rhythm with each of the members voluntarily opening different levels of vulnerability. It was an honour and a pleasure to explore this topic with a variety of human perspectives. There is much more to explore in the realm of attunement and after this discussion I am further submerged in the wonder and magic of our differing magical human experiences.
By Hadley Perkins
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