Loving: a topic that has an abundance of curiosity, especially when in discussion with the opposite/same sex, or different attachment styles to name a few of the complementary poles of attraction.
We each discussed our different journeys of loving and learning to love. Falling into familial patterns of love and suffering that seem to repeat themselves from relationship to relationship. Then we have Alain De Botton’s idea we are destined to marry the wrong person if we simply follow our desires and attractions, the way that love is portrayed in the modern day.
Then we have the many greek words for love, describing different types of love.
Eros - physical, sexual love
Ludus - flirtatious playful non-commital love
Pragma - Pragmatic logical love
Philia - affectionate love of friendship
Agape - Unconditional, sacrificial love
Turge - the natural love of family
Mania - Obsessive love
Philautia - self-love
Alain De Botton poses the question, why not choose to love as way to complete our lives and practice developing self. Going against the popular sentiment of ‘love me for who I am’, to love with agency; ‘let your lover change you.’ This is a tremendously exciting idea, as love and relationships scare the hell out of many if stuck within a framework of comfort, unchanging, static portraits of a nuclear family. What about a pioneering relationship that is open to the endless possibilities of life and recognises the literal fact of our lone subjective experience.
But what about the sexual attraction?
If we choose our relationships from a logic rather than a qualitative attraction what happens in the bedroom? Do we sleep in seperate rooms or allow for each other to explore other avenues that inspire their sexuality? Or can sexual attraction grow over time as you each learn to trust and love each other?
The quick attractions are more typical of our patterns of relationship and our familial love but we may not know it at the time. We each paint beautiful portraits of one another that give us the delusion of perfection but over time in an unenterprising relationship the disappointments compound and the two components of the relationship wear at each other.
This is another great fear. That over time the relationship stops being one of supporting each others experience of life to one that negates each individual’s expression of life. Each partner becoming the embodiment of disappointment. The beautiful perfect portrait has become a mess and is blinding the potential of relationship.
How do we do away with these stories/portraits we paint of each other that simply set us up for disappointment?
Alain says that instead of a date being a performance to impress a potential mate, it should be an interview exploring each other’s craziness and whether they are up to the task of being a collaborator in life unlocking each other’s unhealthy patterns and teaching each other how to love fully ourselves and each other.
Being in relationship to generate love not feed on it and drain the love.
Can we fake it to make it?
Create a loving environment by actively applying charity and generosity to interpretation, tolerate weakness and recognise ambivalence as Alain says?
This is where it does become a spiritual exercise, practicing the extension of space before taking things personally. Acknowledging the stories that lead to the reaction and then response.
This is active love.
To not fall victim to our lazy behaviours of treating others with little patience and understanding.
If this is being practiced within an intimate relationship imagine how it would echo throughout society. Cancel culture and outrage would be a thing of the past as we allow for differences to exist in a loving and caring way, even if we do not understand them.
We all love and want to be loved in different ways and the first step is to create communication channel to explore with expressions the differences, the desires and the fears we all have around relationship.
Lets practice love.
Comentários