TOPIC
There seems to be a viral seriousness that speeds up our lives upon individual paths and friendship is forgotten, undervalued and even taken for granted. Are we too far down the path of our own ambitions, alone and wondering where all the people have gone? Where are all my friends?
Or perhaps you have left them at home miles away in a different state or country and now as an adult you wish to create new bonds that seemed so easily solidified in our past lives as children.
What is a friend?
How do we make friends?
How do we look after our friendships?
REFLECTION
How to make friends?
I am a week late in writing this reflection but the discussions still echo a quality of love. There was a sincere and youthful curiosity in our fellow human companions and how to cultivate relationships that last and bear fruit. How do we make friends and why do we need and want them?
Each human contributed their journey with friends. Some seeking to find security and protection with friendship, another discovering their true friends are their family members, others needing space from their large friendship groups, finding it difficult to know who they are outside of their friends. Everyone one had a different journey. The one thing that connected us was the longing for friends and how do we care for our friendships without losing ourselves to them.
Looking back at perceptively simpler times friendships were created largely due to circumstances; repetition and proximity. With the exponential increase in convenient technologies repetitive engagement with the same humans is less common and we have been given the space and opportunity to seperate and focus upon ourselves. This gap in human engagement has created an epidemic of loneliness and a longing for friends. At the same time we don’t want to give up our individualism.
Taking a broader evolutionary view at the trajectory and context of our present society; what is being asked of us?
The impacts of our convenient technology will continue to seperate us if we do nothing and it impacts us all at an individual level via our most addictive window to the world; our personal computers. Even within a packed share house we can be lonely if we allow all of our time and attention to be placed on ourselves or our devices.
The countering characteristic that is being invited to emerge, be practiced and perfected is that of the will. We now have to be very intentional if we wish to create and cultivate friendships. In a recent podcast it was mentioned that some people recognise it as a duty and service to be repetitively engaging with the people around them. Not having long D & M’s but simply saying hello to everyone in the office when they arrive or as they walk down their street. This repetition creates a relative familiarity that can allow for a friendship to grow. It is prepping the soil, so that it may be fertile for blossoming relationships.
Quite a few people mentioned common ground as a requirement for friendship and many agreed, yet as this particular line of thought progressed we discovered that common ground amplified by social technologies has created echo chambers and polarisation. It seems like we need to cultivate relationships with perspectives that are outside of our common ground to grow empathy and compassion. Exposing ourselves to a diversity of contexts, upbringings and cultures.
A growing norm is our increasing aversion to the existence of our neighbours. Isn’t this the perfect opportunity to encourage a friendship with an unlikely friend?
Repetition and proximity preps the soil, making it fertile for growth. Whats next?
In Dale Carnegie’s book ‘How to win friends and influence people’, he suggests various ways to inspire a bond between parties.
Do not criticise.
Be interested, ask questions and speak in terms of the other’s interests.
Do not argue; winning an argument is a win/lose situation.
Remember names.
Ultimately if someone feels good in your company they are more likely to be inspired to be good to you.
There are two forces at play, our technological society, individual dreams and zero sum games (win/lose) versus belonging, quality of life and infinite games (win/win).
We all know we want the same thing? What is it that gets in the way?
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