TOPIC
The tyranny of love and care.
Why do we watch with such critical detail those we love and consequently wish to perfect them? Carving them with open criticism and rules. Why is there an impulse to control those we love?
Is it projection? Avoiding our own faults by focusing on another’s? Is it a striving for perfectionism in our partner, so that we can have the perfect relationship? Is it that we love them so much we don’t want them to experience their own failures and disappointments?
Alain De Botton explores this topic in his book ‘Essays in Love’, and adds; the love focused, well intentioned leaders are also the ones that execute horrendous crimes against their population.
This dynamic seems to play out with those we love. Perhaps not to the extent of a dictatorship but still can deal damage to the love we give ourselves.
Where does our impulse to change our loved ones come from?
How do we make room for freedom amongst our impulsive love nagging control?
REFLECTION
This week we only had the in-person discussion.
What emerges for you regarding the topic; love and freedom?
Some spoke of toxic dynamics of control, another mentioned having the ability to do what they want to do in relationship, go to a party or take their own time, one person mentioned logistics and caring for others and the resentment it can create when reaching burnout or witnessing others do nothing and how we can attach ourselves to ways of doing things and then dictate these methods over the other.
It was a very intimate and individually explorative discussion. This initial check in unearthed a diverse range of nuanced relationship dynamics. It started quite objective but very soon became a subjective sharing of our interpersonal dynamics.
The processes of efficiency that have been developed or passed down become an authority. Dictating the optimal way of completing simple tasks; cooking dinner, washing up and cleaning, even how to behave. I notice within myself the impulse to control ‘how’ things are done. Upon sharing this I realised that I am controlled by all these rules of ‘how’. Consequently the enjoyment of a day can be swayed by a point system determined by checking one’s self against the growing list of rules. Sleeping in when I told myself I would get up at 5 am is a minus point, I forgot something -1, not taking the bins out -1, doing a workout +1, eating a healthy home cooked meal +1, etc.
We place pressure upon ourselves to perform like a machine when in reality we are contradictory and chaotic animals. We cannot keep up with the rules we place on ourselves so how can we expect others to keep up with our rules as well?
We noticed that space and patience needs to be cultivated for everyone to find their own way of doing things otherwise we squeeze out the love, joy and empowerment. This is further confirmed by non-violent communication used in client focused counselling; advice is a shortcut to the backdoor of God’s house, allowing the other to find the path to their answers gives them the understanding of their own capability. Empowerment and an understanding of the path from which they came to find themselves at the front door of God’s house. I say God but am referring to our human capacity for divine inspiration, of witnessing our nature.
When starting a landscaping job learning the tools, there is no time to find your own joy as the job requires a certain proficiency from the get go. Instead of having space to find my own method with the tools I had to force myself into the requirements and I never had an opportunity to create an art of it or find my own divine inspiring way. Creating a job out of the process rather than a joy.
This is an example of the impact of control whether it is within love or a job. Part of the action of love is to hold back the impulse to perfect the other. Allowing them space to find the love for themselves, the task and the relationship.
Our inquiry into our inner nagging conscience lead us to the patterns passed to us by our parents and the expectation of maturity coming from the elder. We expect them to change the pattern and do the right thing once we notice their own bad behaviour and our own. In having this expectation we can refuse to concede by doing the more responsible thing. Ultimately everyone shared that they had realised that their parents are just lost children like us trying to work things out on the fly. And knowing how their parents should behave was a knowing for them to enact.
This love control launches us into a mission to be as independent and autonomous as possible with a deep fear of commitment or an anxious desperation to be attached and dependent. This dynamic travels along with us into our future relationships and families if do not address it.
Dr Gabor Mate talks about the myth of normality in his most recent book being the primary component of our collective and individual traumas and the behaviours they perpetuate. Conditioned by checking us against a previous way of being and controlling the child for what’s best. A dictated projection upon an innocent soul born with an infinite amount of new and relevant information is taught to ignore its internal relevance and plug it with ‘how to be’. This develops the story that we are not enough without being somebody, doing something or bringing something to the table. A trauma born drive that is currently sending us off a cliff.
Patterns of control and conditions hiding our true essence. Our lack of self love drives us to perfect our loved ones in an endless sculpting perpetuating patterns of behaviour linked to an ancient trauma. A vampiric sucking of life coming from a void of love. The answer once again is the action of love, to feed and water but allow for the growing to happen in its own accord. Create space for the other to be, learn and evolve at their own speed. Developing a listening, a sensing, an inquiry to the uniqueness that they are bringing forth. Creating a pattern of behaviour that uplifts us to uplift others. The contagion of love.
Another interesting tangent we found ourselves upon is the growing trend for direct communication and how this guideline is a very reasonable and logical way of conducting efficient communication within a relationship.
By all accounts this sounds flawless. We cannot expect to have our minds read by our loved ones but we do. This creates vague, confusing and indirect communication. Logically directness is the answer, however after the discussion I realised that there is a value in the ambiguous dance of mind-reading interpretation. When a gesture, signal or indirect offering appears as a factor to the cause then it is an invitation to solve a puzzle, to play and create. Suddenly the one dimensional viewpoint ‘there’s a problem to be fixed’ becomes a wave of potential with infinite possibilities to result, an infinite game, a dance that can absorb you into the present and inspire a deep love of the process of relating. Not only for the reader but also the one sending the signals, dancing their way out of the story.
This was a powerful discussion with hearts bare vulnerably exploring our humanness with the sincerity of children exploring the bush. Each discussion builds our sense, our listening and a reflection of our ever changing magical human being.
Thank you x
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